a letter to you

Birth and all that surrounds it is intimate, open, and authentic, so it would only be right if I did the same in telling you a little bit about myself. I am Nikki.

I live in a small town in central Wisconsin with my family of seven that probably has more cows than people and the most gorgeous sunsets. We are a “from scratch”, homeschooling family that loves Jesus and has a from-farm-to-table lifestyle. We like to grow, hunt and preserve our own food, and I enjoy making bread, bar soap, and tallow face balm. We also enjoy outdoor adventures of camping, exploring, hiking, biking, and swimming.

I am blessed with a wonderful, supportive husband who selflessly provides for our family as well as the community in his career as a firefighter/paramedic. I am a RN turned into a full-time stay-at-home mama to five- a daughter, a son, and identical triplet boys- all of whom ensure that I keep my heart centered on Jesus. They are each a wild blessing.

I have been through a multitude of experiences surrounding pregnancy, birth and postpartum:

extended time trying to conceive;

miscarriage; induction; pregnancy and mothering while going through and graduating nursing school;

long labor; quick labor; umbilical hernia (with a pregnancy after repair);

pregnancy with multiples requiring many miles and hours in visits and collaboration with ultrasound techs and Maternal Fetal Medicine; a month long hospital admission on bedrest;

magnesium drip; c-section with tubectomy; abdominal separation;

body dysmorphia; premature birth;

NICU stay;

leaving my babies at the hospital upon my discharge;  breastfeeding inability;

the emotions of not having kids anymore even though it was my (our) decision;

dairy and goat milk intolerances; and growth issues with four of my five kiddos.

I don’t say this for sympathy or out of competition, but rather out of compassion to show that we don’t all have it together and our stories are unique and beautiful while at times being simultaneously disappointing.  

Another story in itself, I am no longer able to conceive. While I cannot have a redemptive birth of my own, I can take my passion, my experiences, and what I have learned and help empower other mamas to have their own. Full disclosure, I have lived with the would’ve, could’ve, should’ve regrets upon reflection of my experiences. But the reality is, and dare I say this is probably true for most mamas, I did the most learning AFTER having my kiddos. How backwards is that?! My hope and goal is to change this by coming alongside mamas PRIOR to birth. We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28), and I believe all of this has led me here.

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God bless you mama,

Nikki